Expression based on achievements

In second grade, Cá (*name has been adjusted) was a below-average student. Cá remembered feeling disliked by the teachers because of being a below-average student. He felt inferior to his classmates and was often punished by the teachers in class. Teachers were still slapped and hit with rulers at that time, which was very painful. Cá was terrible at math and had poor handwriting, so he was often hit on the hands. The feeling of the iron or wooden ruler hitting his hand was painful. Obviously, during grades 1, 2, or 3, when Cá was not doing well, he couldn't express himself. He wondered how he could tell the pain of being hit. So he only knew how to feel and endure it on his own.

In secondary school, Cá was one of the victims of school bullying. Cá was a male but did not have the typical masculine appearance like his peers. Therefore, some subject teachers attacked his gender expression, saying he had gender identity issues. Some called him discriminatory names and said it was a joke, but Cá still felt hurt. He remembered when he was insulted, he never protested. He only knew how to stay silent or respond gently. Cá thought that during primary and secondary school, he did not dare to speak up to his teachers even though they caused him a lot of pain. With his friends, Cá was the same. He never resisted anyone who made him sad. He never stood up or told his friends not to call him discriminatory names, not to behave the offended way towards him, or not to insult him in any language. During that time, Cá's nickname was "wet jackfruit" because he always cried. Whenever Cá felt sad or pressured by his teachers or friends, he just cried. With just a little bit of confrontation, Cá would start crying. So there was no way he could express or share his problems.

In high school, Cá worked diligently to obtain high grades, realizing that teachers would appreciate students who performed well academically. Teachers then showed they liked him when he excelled in his studies and was a class leader. At that time, everything became simpler for Cá. Some subjects were graded more leniently for him, and teachers were more accommodating to his requests. He expressed his own or his classmates' needs. He believed that poor students had no chance to say or suggest to the teachers like him. Teachers would most likely refuse such students.

Cá reflected that the experiences in primary, secondary, and high school were all the same. It was clear that some teachers had biases against underperforming students. They didn't like students who were seen as naughty or had low grades. Cá felt these teachers would never care or listen to these students' opinions. However, it differed for class leaders, good students, or teachers' pets. No matter what they said, the teachers would smile, listen, and quickly agree to proposals, such as approving a program. Specifically, when Cá was in high school, if the average students requested to organize a program such as a Christmas gift exchange, it was inevitable that they would not be allowed. Those students would have to ask Cá or another good student to make the request, and then the teacher would approve it immediately. Of course, there are specific rules that students should not break. Cá only requested or asked for things within the school regulations' scope.

Therefore, Cá supposed people around him would judge someone based on their achievements. Besides academic performance, they will examine whether a person is involved in wrongdoing or has been criticized for something before. Good academic performance must be accompanied by good conduct. If someone achieves all these things, they will be considered a good student and undoubtedly receive support when expressing themselves. Until now, Cá hasn't seen any changes. He has a younger sister in 4th grade, about 18 years distant since Cá went to school. Currently, the pressure of achievement is very high on her. In fact, not only from their parents but also from Cá. Perhaps because Cá has also been under pressure of accomplishment, when the teachers say her sister's grades are low, Cá is not satisfied. Although in his mind, Cá tells himself to let his sister feel free during her first elementary school years. But for some reason, Cá was unhappy when he saw his sister's low grades. He still wants his younger sister to achieve high academic performance. 

Perhaps this mindset has been deeply ingrained into Cá's perception, as it has become a common truth in his surroundings that achievement is the basis for determining a person's position.