The image of compliance

Back in the day, when I was in school, giving teachers feedback was incorrect. It was challenging to say that a particular teacher was not teaching well or that I wanted to study with a different teacher because this could be seen as disrespectful or wrong manners with me.

This belief has been around for a long time. If a student wanted to be left alone, they better not say anything about the teacher; if they did, it should be done politely and respectfully. Of course, not everyone was like that. Some students were brave enough to speak directly, or they belonged to a group considered unruly, so they just expressed what they thought. But it was easy for everyone to see that these responses won’t go anywhere.

I was terrified of teachers. Many of my classmates were in the same situation. It was because I had a pretty good image in class. Moreover, my parents had high expectations of me. So I couldn't damage my image or expectations by opposing or acting against the teachers' demands. The pressure came not only from my teachers but also from my parents, which meant that the pressure came from school and home. Those who listen, behave well and have excellent conduct were more likely to be at ease or commended.

Teachers used this perception as a tool to make students follow them. For example, they would tell stories about previous outstanding students for current classes. They said they had taught many generations of students who have achieved specific accomplishments, so they hoped the following classes could do the same. Teachers repeat these stories to classes, including my class. I saw it as a chain reaction, a way to spread an ideal model that people even didn't know if it was real or not.

I frequently serve as a role model due to my accomplishments, such as receiving high grades and being obedient in class. When I returned from parent conferences or visits to the neighbors, my parents were incredibly proud of me because they had received numerous compliments. Although my mother often said, "We must be humble" or "She is just an average student," I knew she was pleased to use me as a role model for other children. This may be normal for those who lived in cities, but this was remarkable in the countryside, where students were only concerned about hanging out. Since middle school, I have been the class vice academic, most likely because the teacher thought I behaved well. Whenever a teacher assigned me a mission, I typically completed it myself. Part of me was also a respectful child, so I would complete the task independently if I couldn't ask my classmates for help. When I assumed this position, I was always hesitant to confront anything that could result in unintended consequences. I thought I didn't want this position when the teacher made demands, but I remained silent. I accepted whatever she gave me and complied with her requests.

My shift in perspective began in my third year of university. At that time, I had the opportunity to study abroad. I felt like I was being stripped of my shell. I started asking big questions about praise or obedience, my parents, and everyone around me. I realized that I had some rebellious tendencies within me. When I returned home, I changed 180 degrees so that people didn’t think it was me anymore. But after that rebellious period, I suddenly realized my tendency to avoid conflict, fear of being judged by others, and fear of being criticized are still there. So I always feel like I have many different faces. That means I can be very obedient and passive, like during my 12 years of schooling, but sometimes I can also be critical and active. I will have many different faces that will appear depending on the situation and the person I am talking to. This is something that I increasingly realized since I have moved away from my family, entered university, went abroad, and now when I start working. I still notice that I have a reflex to avoid conflicts, afraid of upsetting others or scared of others thinking badly of me. These things unintentionally make things difficult for me and put me in a state where I do not respect myself. Sometimes I wonder why unfair things happened, but I dare not speak up.

Even though I am still affected by past psychological issues, I have identified them, as only by doing so can I find methods to overcome them. For example, sometimes I haven't conveyed my opinion directly, but after considering it and reencountering the same situation, I can speak directly and clearly. Or, there are specific topics on which I am now more willing to voice my opinion: if I believe something is incorrect, I will say so without attempting to please anyone. My thinking has become more independent, and I gradually realize that everything's significance is ultimately toward myself.